Blog

by Chia Chia Cheng, Dip. NCCAOM, CFNM, L.Ac.

After spending two (nonconsecutive) weeks alone in my house during SIP, I wanted to break up with myself.  You heard me right.  With my kids gone and no place to go, I suddenly found myself swirling in a game of existential Jeapardy.  I was becoming very creative with my story telling.

The lack of social contact and the physical distancing really spun me out. Feelings of abandonment, rejection and neglect started to surface.  As the days rolled on, more feelings surfaced.  “Hey, familiar feeling, I thought I was done with you…” I’d say with sarcasm.

It took a few days to calm myself down.  I had to consciously choose to detach from the habit of associating what was currently happening with a wound from the past.

I made a conscious choice to be with myself.  I sat in what showed up for me.  I waited for it to pass.  To ground myself I went to what I knew for sure.

What I knew for sure was that I was living a life of deprivation.  I missed my community.  I missed visiting with friends.  I missed exchanging smiles with familiar faces at the gym, the folks who pump gas, the friendliness of postal clerks who sold me sheets of stamps.  I missed the lighted hearted exchanges with strangers that connected the dots between the intimate and distant.

I constantly reminded myself that the low was temporary.  The desperation to feel connected to people was real, yet, out of my immediate influence.  Instead of focusing on what could be or should be, I kept my focus on what is.  A lot of which I didn’t like.

Here’s a list of the Dirty Dozen that I felt during the first 4 weeks of SIP, although not necessarily in this order:

1. Resistance
2. Neglect
3. Rejection
4. Abandonment
5. Undervalued
6. Repression
7. Depression
8. Oppression
9. Tired
10. Insecure
11. Protective
12. Curious

With the help of Community, I rode the waves of self-doubt and isolation as they came at me.  What I learned about myself was eye-opening.

I learned that I am living my life’s purpose.  That while I’m in the throws of my own reckoning, I have developed an emotional resilience that allows me to be present for myself as well as for others.  SIP reminded me that it’s okay to feel “negative emotions” as these give me a way to measure the highs that also come in unexpected waves.

What negative moments did you have during SIP?  What did you learn from these “negative” experiences?

I don’t have the family dinner stories or new culinary triumphs to share.  My closet is still a mess.  The blinds remain dusty.  However, I do have a plethora of feel good memories about my time in captivity.

Heartwarming moments that I will remember about SIP: 

• The warmth of the sun on my skin in April
• The cheery birdsongs in the morning while sitting outside instead of being inside the gym
• The Whole Foods employee who wore a mask and had drawn a smile on her forehead–we had a great laugh together
• Being on time for everything since I didn’t have to drive anywhere
• Long walks with Artemis on a weekday
• My big refund from the IRS (The anticipation is keeeeling me!)
• Friends showing up for me
• How I showed up for friends
• The beauty of the river with the green trees framing it
• Not setting an alarm for three consecutive weeks
• An abundance of kale at the grocery store (Kale prevails!)
• How spectacular a hug felt
• The tenderness of a long awaited kiss
• How I continued to choose me, without hesitation

Not having appointments and places to be gave me time to be with myself in a new way.  Sitting in my own discomfort became my meditation.

The things that mattered before SIP matter even more now.  I matter more.  If I couldn’t choose me in a time when I was all I had, how do I expect someone else to choose me when life opens up again with other options?

Here’s a point to ponder:
If you don’t acknowledge your pain, does it mean you don’t feel hurt?

Be brave.  Choose yourself.

Bring a smile to a friend’s face.  Forward this to at least 3 people.

Be well. Stay connected.

PS I forgot to mention a typo in the Johns Hopkins CV update.  Correction: “Coronavirus is now called SARS CoV-2.”